Why Being Wronged or Even Just Corrected Hurts So Much

Recently, I had an uncomfortable but eye-opening moment. A stranger confronted my young child directly over a misunderstanding. As a parent, I stayed relatively calm. I politely pointed out that if he had concerns, he should have spoken to me and not directly to a minor. The stranger’s face shifted quickly, he went from defensive to being irritated and even tried covering his mistake with small lies. He didn’t say sorry, but his silence as he walked away said enough. I took that awkward, wordless exit as his version of an apology. One he couldn’t express out loud, possibly because being corrected, even gently, made him feel smaller in that moment.

And that’s what this blog is really about. Why do we feel so shaken when someone confronts us, whether it’s fair or not? Why does it hurt when we are the one being wronged or when we are the one being corrected?

At first glance, it seems like two different situations. But in both cases, our emotional response is tied to one thing- our sense of self. When someone does something unfair to us, it challenges our belief in how we should be treated. When someone corrects us, even gently, it challenges our belief in who we think we are. In both cases, there is a perceived threat.

This reaction is deeply human and deeply wired. Psychologists call it perceived injustice, a feeling that someone has violated your sense of what is right. But it’s not just about what is socially fair. It’s about what feels fair to you, in that moment, based on your values, self-image, and expectations.

Even when we are at fault, being corrected can sting. Because it chips away at the version of ourselves we carry inside that “I am a good person”, “I am careful”, “I am in control”. When someone says or does something that challenges that image, our brain doesn’t calmly sort it out, it reacts. The amygdala, our threat detector, lights up. The insula and anterior cingulate cortex, the brain’s emotional pain centers, gets activated, processing the social pain like physical pain and just like that, we feel attacked.

On the flip side, when someone wrongs us, even repeatedly, the feeling is often less about the details and more about the injustice of it all. “Why should I be treated like this?” “I didn’t deserve that.” This isn’t about ego in a negative sense. It’s about the psychological need for safety, dignity, and respect. When those needs are violated, we don’t just get upset, we feel destabilized.

These are not just emotional habits but are rooted in real psychological mechanisms. Cognitive dissonance kicks in when someone’s words conflict with how we see ourselves. Ego defensiveness rises to protect that self-image. And when someone wrongs us without acknowledgment or apology, it often triggers moral outrage and our internal justice meter goes off.

But here is the empowering part, while you can’t stop these feelings from arising, you can choose how to respond. Recognizing that everyone from strangers to friends are acting out of their own emotional wiring helps soften our reactions. It doesn’t excuse their behavior, but it gives us a little more clarity.

Sometimes, silence is an apology, defensiveness is a shield and sometimes, our own pain is just our brain doing what it was built to do..protect us. Understanding this doesn’t make every moment easier but it gives us space to breathe, reflect and maybe even respond with grace.

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